Why linger about in the dull depths of normalcy when you can thrive in the midst of glitzy extraordinaire? I must confess as I straighten out my newly purchased feather boa, and arrange my faux alligator skin handbags around my Jimmy Choo engulfed feet that this theme is one that truly sets my soul on fire.

My dear pedestrians, I speak of the sacred art known as ‘how to emulate the fearless leaders of the Soap World industry’. Move over Mother Theresa, for truly your piety and virtue is no more than mere pebbles in comparison to the wisdom and absolute truth Soap Opera stars exude. Surely if we were all drowning in the drama that entails being secretly in love with each other’s sister/brother in law there would be no time to engage in war thus world peace would finally be solved.

For what is war but a mere pastime when compared to the torment of realising that you are indeed the daughter of the woman you believed to be your hairdresser all these years. I do not mean to overwhelm you all with my worldly knowledge but I feel that it is my moral duty to convert you and make you understand that only a life which sings tribute to the diamond studded cast of Dynasty is worth living. In order to achieve this pinnacle of enlightenment, it is imperative you recite the following steps every night before you apply your rejuvenating face mask.

1. Spare me your words Gandhi for I hereby renounce your fluffy words(and ghastly outfits). As for John Lennon, no I cannot ‘Imagine’ a world in which there is no barrier between people. People are essentially evil(as Bold and the Beautiful has taught us) so the only way to ensure peace is befuddle the masses with scandalous truths. How could one possibly possess energy to bomb another when one realises that one is indeed a heiress that has been denied fortunes of gold due to the ill-fated luck of being kidnapped by a gang of carpenters as an infant.

2. Big hair is all the rage. It is vital that your hair spray soaked hair be a form of homage to Mount Everest. Forget simple hair dos, for as devoted followers of ‘Dallas’ we have forever sworn to forsake the simpleton inspired existence of yonder.

3. You simply must revel in misery as you sashay through your -hard fought for -tumultuous existence. You simply cannot let the beauty of tragedy slip you by. However I must stress you perfect that look of vivid anguish. It is crucial you practise the art of falling apart in a state of awe inspiring frenzy. Firstly you simply must choke back tears of betrayal (in order to convey the strength of your spirit) but balance is key so ensure your facial expressions are grief stricken beyond recognition (in order to portray vulnerability). This should be followed by a wobbly yet dignified sprint through a hallway of some sorts as you hold the walls for support (perhaps leaping upon a low rising chandelier thus smashing it to smithereens would better convey your sorrow entrenched anger if you’re feeling creative). And finally the climax should be a graceful crash through a strategically placed window which will hopefully lead to a heart-rending yet well attired death or near death depending on how serious you are about this.

4. It’s all about the chiselled jaw .Period. Men, if your jaw lines are not sharp enough to slice bread then we have a problem. For all those currently suffering with the affliction I commonly address as the ‘lumpy face syndrome’ please consult the closest cosmetic surgeon immediately.

5. When addressing one of the seven hundred loves of your life please do not resort to bland predictable conversation. What we all need is some pizzazz. This is where eye liner comes in…for both genders. Smouldering looks are a sure way to success. So sultry must your gaze be that the tables around you start melting. The intensity must rival that of global warming, nothing less will be accepted.

6. Happiness is a disease. What we crave here is not a revoltingly pleasant life that will surely fade into the sand of times. No, what our souls hunger for is an existence founded on instability and anguish. Drama should be the breakfast of our minds and spirits. Forget the philosophers; we cannot live simply so others can simply live. What nonsense. Why the thought is enough to make me want to go recuperate in the Swiss Alps.